Wet a Piece of Toilet Paper? It's no subsitute

One of the most common responses we're getting lately is that wet-wipes are unnecessary because wetting a piece of paper is easier. The people who're making these proposals are like our brothers and sisters, because they agree with us in almost every respect. In fact, they are advocating a "wet wipe" too. Though well-intentioned and possibly better than regular dry-TP usage we think their idea still has a few flaws to it. Again, we'd like to stress that fundamentally we are in this together as we recognize that our cultural standards for ass-cleanliness are subpar. Nevertheless, I think wetting your TP is like trying to patch up a pleather vest when you know you need a new wardrobe. It's tough to realize that you need to make a real change, but you'll feel so much better when you do. A few points:

1. Spitting on TP won't get it moist enough to do a good job. Spit, while it will do in a pinch creates an additional problem (I usually don't want spit rubbed on me anyway) as well as being insufficient as an ultimate solution.

2. Doing the awkward shuffle to the sink, pants around your ankles to get to the sink is no fun. It causes your butt-cheeks to rub together as you walk, which spreads the mess and is uncomfortable.

3. When wetting the paper at a sink, there is the problem of achieving the right level of wetness: as anyone who has tried this will know it's easy to wind up with an overly-wet spitwad-thing someone would throw at a chalkboard. If you have to do it over (and especially using a sink that has a high spray volume) you're wasting paper.

4. Toilet Paper is far too fragile to wet and clean with. This is why drying your hands with toilet paper sucks, this is why you use paper towels in the kitchen instead of TP, and this is why you shouldn't do yourself the misfortune of thinking that it's better than a wetwipe. Everyone here can read the subtext, but I'll quote thoughtful commenter Bethany to clarify: "I think the problem here is that wet TP tends to fall apart very easily as it's made to do when you flush it... Wet wipes don't disintegrate when they encounter roughness, whereas wet TP leaves little white linty things all over me." You know what that means- you get wet soggy TP spitballs in your butt-crack.


I think everyone knows the other ingredient that would make those little spitwads 50 times worse.

Finally, think about the difference between cleaning your hands after a big rib dinner at Tony Roma's with napkin dipped in water vs. a packaged wetnap. That's not even a fair analogy because napkins are far sturdier than TP but you'd get bits of napkin on your hand anyway. Furthermore, when you use a packaged wetnap you can really press firmly against your skin because of your confidence in the sturdiness. That allows you to really get clean, and it's the reason Tony Roma waiters don't show up with toilet paper and a dish of water and say "here you go, hope you enjoyed your meal."

Would you even try to clean your hands with a dish of water and Toilet paper after ribs? I wouldn't! If some waiter brought that over I'd laugh and say- "okay good one guys, now bring me the wetnap."

The Dish analogy has never been stronger

If you plan on bedding one of the infamous Hollywood starlets I would say that wetwipes are a must. To all of the people who've said to us "I don't eat off my butt", it looks like Nicole Richie is here to say "Well some people would like to."

The Wet Wipe Manifesto

Imagine visiting a friends home for dinner and afterwards you offer to help with the dishes. You friend welcomes your help and tosses you a roll of paper towels. They explain that they don't use water or soap to clean their dishes and utensils, they simply wipe them down with a dry paper towel and put them back in the cupboard.

"What about bacteria that surely grows on the food remnants? What about germs that undoubtedly remain after a simple 'dry rub'?"


"Wow, I get nearly the same shine with none of those nasty soap spots!"

Your friend explains that they have decided washing dishes is gross. They don't want to get their hands all wet and they'd rather just use dry paper towels to rub them down. Their kitchen smells disgusting, but at least the plates are out of sight in the cupboard, prior to use.

Disgusted, you vow to never eat at their home again. In fact, you decide you would rather avoid their home all together as surely this disgusting practice is evidence of a total disregard for cleanliness, and probably even personal hygiene.

Imagine what they do with their ass?! Do they simply wipe it down in a "dry rub" fashion after using the toilet? You can't imagine; the thought of such a practice is frightening. Imagine a world where people clean their feces covered bung holes with nothing but a dry rub from some paper.

Welcome to America.

Europeans have been using bidets to clean themselves for nearly 300 years. They evidently thought that spending the day with feces attached to their anus was gross, and they preferred to wash it off. (seems simple enough)

"OMG you guys, Europe was SOOOO amazing. In the bathrooms they have these water-fountains that double as beer coolers, so you don't have to use the tub!"

America evidently missed the memo on cleanliness. Most have never even seen a bidet. And while they were preoccupied visiting dentists and inventing cocaine (watch the Washington video), the Europeans were revolutionizing the art of wiping.

So what do you do now? How can you help save America? What if I was to tell you that the solution is not in buying an expensive bidet, but found at your local supermarket?


Yes, Baby wipes. No longer will babies be the sole members of the clean bum club. Why are they called baby wipes anyway? Who decided that with age your desire to have a clean ass goes away?



"It's all fun and games until someone thinks that dabbing these kids with a dry towel makes them clean."

Having presented this argument on more than a few occasions, we found that there were a few key responses that people would use, which we'll cover in our FAQ, below.

FAQ:
Q: I don't eat off my ass and neither does anyone else, so i think your dish analogy is stupid. What else you got?

A: I highly recommend looking into what an analogy is ("Obama isn't like Rex Grossman! Rex is way younger!") But mainly what I'd like to ask is: do you even wipe at all right now? Why? By your logic the whole idea behind cleaning the area AT ALL is silly. So if we're gonna do it, why not get clean?

Q: I feel like I'm already pretty clean/clean enough down there, so why bother using anything but the dry rub?

A: If you slipped and fell in crap and all you had was a McDonald's napkin to clean off your bare elbow (for instance) would you shrug your shoulders and go "clean enough" or would you be dying to get home and wash with water? Even your dirty dog knows that cleaning that area and using moisture is imperative, and while I think we both would object to his methods we as humans we can accomplish the same thing without the gross licking.

Q: I already shower after I go, so why should I use wet wipes?

Well first off, congrats for not minding that your friends and coworkers see you as an obsessive compulsive (even "anal"). I find this "every time" thing highly unlikely, if not impossible. Anyway though, certainly you agree with us then that we need a changing of our cultural cleanliness standards. Use wet wipes for emergencies and tell your friends.

Q: Ew, the wet wipes they use for babies? GROSS!

A: While that's not really a question, it's worth saying that whatever weird revulsion people have for soft, tightly knit moist cottony fiber it's hard to see how it's any grosser than actual human excrement. At worst the ends justify the means.

Q: what made you guys want to go public with this?

A: We were inspired by Richard Dawkins. We realized that some of the barbaric irrationality in our society was really expressed and perpetuated in the bathroom as well as the church.

Q: Noone goes there on me, so I don't have to worry.

A: If you stepped in shit with your bare feet and it squished between your toes, would you just grab a single napkin real quick since "no one licks your feet"? It's not just about going there- sometimes it's about going NEAR there. Plus, it's nice to be clean.

Q: Why isn't everyone doing this if you guys are so right?

A: Good question. People probably made these arguments when modern toothbrushing was brought to the fore. A combination of defensiveness for their antiquated practices, stubborn refusal to change, and a simple lack of understanding. At root though, I think it's because 99% of the population (us included) really kind of hates talking about this... um... shit. That makes it hard for change to come about. We're hoping that the semi-anonymous realm of the internet will be enough

Feel free to (anonymously or not) leave other questions or comments about this for us to see. First though, consider this as the answer to your question:

Are you saying that between two choices, one which involves having more shit on your body and the other less, you're picking option "more"?

Yours in pro-cleanliness solidarity,
Matt and John

EDIT: An Astute reader suggested that we recommend flushable wet wipes rather than baby wipes, as baby wipes aren't meant to be flushed. There are some links in the comments of sites where you can buy various wet-wipe products, some flushable.